Three Monkeys and a Secret

Joe went to the bank. When he got there, he couldn’t help but notice there were three monkeys with a screwdriver trying to break into the bank manager’s desk. The bank manager had just been given a large loaf of banana bread and the monkeys had smelled it as they swung by the bank. The monkeys had been watching a second-hand copy of the DVD The Secret and were spending a lot of their time trying to manifest things… like banana bread. An older woman named Charlotte, an ex-B-movie star who was long past her prime, had baked the banana bread for the middle-aged bank manager. She was trying to send him a message and she thought the banana part of the banana bread might have Freudian overtones.

The bank manager caught the monkeys trying to break into his desk. He had grown interested in the idea the banana bread implied, but not really the bread itself. He called security and an overweight man with a gun approached the monkeys that now brandished the screwdriver more as a weapon. You see, all the watching of the second-hand copy of The Secret had given these three monkeys a sense of entitlement. The monkey on the left who was not holding a screwdriver said to the guard, now holding his gun, “Isn’t there enough for everyone in this world?” The guard looked mostly confused because he himself did not speak English well, and the monkeys’ English was more like pig-Latin.

All three of the monkeys were growing upset and this made them even more upset, because they knew that if they had negative thoughts and emotions, this would make manifesting anything good nearly impossible and then all they would be left with would be their desire… which all three knew was the root of all suffering.

The monkey on the right (also not the one holding the screwdriver) jumped up on the bank manager’s desk as Joe looked on. The security guard jumped back and made the sign of the cross (it’s a Catholic thing). The monkey who jumped up on the desk pulled down his board shorts and began peeing on the bank manager’s desk while he sang “Me So Horny” by 2 Live Crew. All three monkeys began laughing and ran out the door and down the street. One was still holding the screwdriver as he ran.

Joe was very angry by the time he got back to his apartment and his anger, which he was unable to control, was upsetting him even more because he, too, had watched The Secret and knew that his bad mood was probably manifesting more of the same and he felt trapped. If only that stupid cop hadn’t kept asking him, “Are you sure the monkeys said they had been watching The Secret?” Joe had finally said, “I told you three times already, yes, those fucking criminal monkeys said they had been watching The Secret.” The cop got pissed when Joe raised his voice and started getting passive-aggressive with Joe. Joe shut down a little inside as a defense mechanism.

Joe immediately took his copy of The Secret off his shelf and took it to the biggest, non-corporate music and book store in his town. This non-corporate music and book store was so big, it put all of the other non-corporate music and book stores out of business a few years ago. Anyway, Joe walked in with his copy of The Secret and the girl behind the counter rolled her eyes, which embarrassed Joe a little. He felt judged. Maybe he wasn’t hip enough to sell his copy of The Secret here.

The girl behind the counter said, “You’re too late. We have had people bringing that DVD in for the last year in truck-fulls and I just got the last copy of The Secret we will ever need. I gave a monkey in board shorts a copy of The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra in exchange for the DVD.” Then she said, in a whisper, “I would not have made the trade, but the monkey looked a little upset and he had a screwdriver in his hand.”

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