Still not Enlightened / Further Adventures, pt. 2

I drove to Ralph’s supermarket. Normally, I would have walked, but I had been working a lot and was a bit tired. I don’t shop at Ralph’s all that much anymore. It’s so expensive. There was a time when I did all my shopping there. I was either unconscious or Ralph’s was a better store at one time. I used to live in a one-bedroom apartment just up the street and I used Ralph’s like my personal refrigerator. When you live in a one-bedroom apartment with 3 musicians you don’t leave anything in the refrigerator. So when I wanted to eat, I walked a half block down the street and walked into my personal giant refrigerator and pantry and got what I needed.

Lately, I only buy one or two things from Ralph’s. I do most of my shopping at Trader Joe’s. It’s cheaper and the employees seem happier, which leads me to believe they are better treated or are not drug tested.

Anyway, I park in the Ralph’s parking lot and get out of my car. As I shut the door, I realize – too late – that my keys are still in the car. My car is not idiot-proof, obviously. Anyway, I say fuck it. I have a hide-a-key on my bumper in the event of such and incident. So I’ll use that after I do my shopping. I don’t want to get my hide-a-key out (which is then no longer hidden), get my keys out of the car and then go in. What if someone sees my hide-a-key spot and decides to steal my 17-year-old car that runs a little funky in 1st gear? I decide I’ll deal with it when I get back. I say some curse word out loud to myself and walk in the store.

I grab what I need and walk right past the personless check-out machines. I think people should have jobs if they want them and I am going to encourage this by checking out the old-fashioned way, even if the people working at Ralph’s are not as happy – or whatever – as the Trader Joe’s employees. As I’m waiting in line, a girl walks in the door. She’s on her phone and talking really loud.

I’m a little tired and still a bit pissed about the keys locked in the car thing so I just put my head down and look at my feet. Cause I know me, and if I get a chance, in the mood I’m in, it’s going to be hard not to give her the evil eye and get all judgemental. Which is rarely productive.  Why do I care if she’s on the phone? But the voice keeps getting louder as she walks more and more in my direction. I keep saying to myself, “It’s a semi-free country. She can be on the phone if she likes.” Although I really want to scream. I just keep looking at my shoes. I can’t believe how close she is getting to me. She is standing right next to me talking on her fucking phone. I can hear every word she is saying. Then she says, “Can you hold on a second?” And she takes the phone away from her ear and she says, “Excuse me.” I look up and say, “Yeah?” And she says, “I take the yoga class you teach in the park all the time and I just wanted to say hello and thank you.”

The  first thought that comes into my head is, “Why is god always fucking with me?” I say, “You’re welcome,” to the girl. She gets back on the phone, gives me a big smile and walks away. As she walks away I realize the key chain that is attached to my keys that are locked in my car also has my Ralph’s club card on it. I hate club cards. Can’t they just give me a decent price without having me carry a stupid little piece of plastic with me everywhere I go?  So I ask the guy in front of me – who is just finishing his transaction with a human, not an instant check-out machine – “Can I use your Ralph’s card? I forgot mine in my car.” I say forgot because I felt I would look like less of an idiot if I forgot rather than locked my keys in my car. It seemed logical at the moment and I didn’t have time to come up with a better, less embarrassing lie. He says, “Sure, no problem.” The girl behind the counter, whose job I am trying to support by not using the automated check-out aisles says, “I’m sorry we don’t let people do that anymore.” I say, “Are you fucking serious?” Before she replies I say, “Why the hell does it matter?” She says, “Sir…”. I hate when people call me sir. But she says, ” Sir, it’s the rules!” I clamp my mouth shut, walk out the door, get my hide-a-key, get in my car and drive to Trader Joe’s. If this doesn’t work, I’m going on a hunger strike.

In a world full of lies, Truth is like a naked man standing in the supermarket with nowhere to put his club card.


Hitler’s Shoes

I had a terrible cough. I took some professional strength cough syrup.

I fell right to sleep that night but I had the strangest dream.

I dreamed I was a prisoner at Auschwitz. Several other prisoners and I were wandering around. While wandering around, we found a pair of Hitler’s shoes. I told everyone I was going to put the shoes on. Everyone agreed I should not.

I said, “Wait until you see Hitler’s face when he sees me wearing his shoes. It’s going to be hilarious!”

Everyone was silent.

Excuses for not going to band rehearsal

In the late 1980s, I played guitar in a heavy metal band. The singer was a bit of a drug addict. He almost never came to rehearsal, but he always had a good excuse.

We started keeping track of his excuses on a sheet of paper in the band’s apartment. I recently found this sheet of paper in a drawer. These are real. Maybe someday, in a pinch, you can use one.

4/24 – Really bad diarrhea

5/1 – Took shower, got on motorcycle with wet hair, caught cold halfway to rehearsal and turned back

5/21 – Hit his head on his knee

5/27 – Threw up some weird colored stuff

6/5 – Real bad athlete’s foot

6/12 – Went outside and his car was gone

6/20 – I forgot rehearsal was tonight

6/24 – Sore throat

6/28 – Was arrested

7/1 – Thinks he may have pinkeye

7/9 – Could not find microphone

7/18 – Ate some bad beef jerky

7/21 – Still can’t find microphone

7/24 – Was looking for microphone and lost track of the time

8/19 – Big zit gave him a bad headache

8/24 – Thought rehearsal was last night

8/27 – Arrested

9/2 – Slipped in the bathtub while killing a spider (but he’s okay)

9/14 – Sore throat

9/27 – Stove caught fire

10/2 – Somewhere in Bakersfield, won’t make it back in time

10/3 – Still in Bakersfield, wishes he could get back

10/20 – Watching TV, lost track of the time

11/4 – Allergic reaction to AquaFresh toothpaste

11/15 – Street blocked off, cops looking for murder suspect

11/16 – Pulled a muscle in his ass while playing with his cat (hard to walk)

11/20 – Almost drowned in a swimming pool, water in his lungs

Terminator seeds

If we eat food grown with seeds that were engineered by Monsanto to terminate or self-destruct, will we–as the people who eat the food produced by these terminator seeds–develop self-destructive terminator tendencies?

You are what you eat.

From Wiki Monsanto terminator seeds

In June 2007,[30] Monsanto acquired Delta & Pine Land Company, a company that had patented a seed technology nicknamed Terminators. This technology, which was never known to have been used commercially, produces plants that have sterile seeds so they do not flower or grow fruit after the initial planting. This prevents the spread of those seeds into the wild, however it also requires customers to repurchase seed for every planting in which they use Terminator seed varieties. Farmers who do not use a terminator seed could also be affected by his neighboring farmer that does through natural pollination. In recent years, widespread opposition from environmental organizations and farmer associations has grown, mainly out of the concerns that hypothetical seeds using this technology could increase farmers’ dependency on seed suppliers.